Thursday, April 16, 2015

A mother's guilt

Dear Quinn,

I know it's been a long time. It's just been too painful, all of these memories I have.

I'm doing EMDR on some of those memories. You see, I have this extreme guilt that I somehow killed you because of the things I did while pregnant, things that most women either don't do or don't admit to doing. Do you blame me, little Quinn? Did I cause you to die?

Do you blame me for that week right before you died where I broke down and smoked cigarettes again?

Do you blame me for staying on my psych meds?

Do you blame me for my erratic sleep schedule, caused by my bipolar disorder, that caused me to stay up all night sometimes? I worry big time that this one could've been the culprit, because I know whenever I didn't get sleep that it would raise my blood pressure, and I know for a fact that medically this harms the baby. Oh Quinn, did I cause your death, did my bipolar disorder cause you to die?

Or what about when my morning sickness was so bad that I smoked pot a couple of times? I'm ashamed to admit it--NO ONE admits to using medicinal marijuana during pregnancy, so I'm really throwing myself to the wolves with this one. But I was just so absolutely miserable, and the meds my doctor gave me weren't helping, whereas the pot did. And it was only a couple of times. I just don't know.

Or did I hurt you by sleeping on my stomach? I've always been a stomach sleeper, and I remember asking the midwife if I needed to stop now or if my body would let me know when it was time, and she said my body would let me know, but I remember towards the end there feeling this pressure in my belly--maybe that was the time to stop, and I was harming you?

There's so many more, but I feel like I've said too much already, the guilt is eating me alive.

I love you and miss you with all my heart.

Love,
Mommy