I currently weigh 128.0. This time last year, I weighed 108.2 pounds. 0.4 pounds medically underweight. I've decided tonight that I want to get back down to that. Because I'm going to have few opportunities left in my life to be that underweight again. In a year we want to try to have a baby, which means as soon as we start trying I'm going to have to eat healthy, like really healthy. And then once I get pregnant, who knows how that will go. I hope and pray I'll be one of those pregnant women who's all bump, but knowing my lard ass's history with food, I will gain 100 pounds. And then, of course, I can't be underweight once I have the kid. I need to provide a good example for my children, especially if I have a girl.

So underweight, NOW, it is.

36 Hours to Midnight

So, I've been doing this fucked up thing lately. My normal schedule is to get up a few hours early, so that I can play Diablo III before I have to go to work. This settles me, and prepares me for my work day. I feel a great rage if I oversleep and don't get to play before work. Part of getting up early is also having the time to get enough coffee and cigarettes in me, so I'm sure this plays a part, too.

But things have become so stressful at work that sometimes I say "Fuck it" and decide I'm not going to sleep that night. (Tonight.) I take extra of my stimulant (which I am only still prescribed because I haven't told my psychiatrist that I no longer have a night job--I'm kind of addicted to it), and I stay up, and yep, I play Diablo. For like 10 hours straight. Because lately it's taken that amount of playing to offset the stress for the next day. Which, of course, ends up biting me in the ass after I've been awake for, oh, let's say, 24 hours. And realizing, shit, I have 8 hours to go. Then I crash as soon as I get home, and sleep for 12 hours. Sometimes I don't even get my charting done for the day (because the changes in our charting are part of what's so stressful), so then I end up having to get up early the next day to do my charting, anyway. It becomes this vicious cycle.

But sometimes I just have to do it.

Weighty Matters

So I hit that goal. 108.6, which puts me officially underweight. I said I'd stop once I get here, but I must admit, I kind of want to see if I can hit 100. Such a nice, even number.

I'm tossing around the idea with a photographer friend of mine of doing a personal photoshoot, highlighting my anorexia. Usually he does "sexy/flirty" photoshoots, but this one would be more artistic and visceral. Show my bones, show my lose skin. Do some "sexy" pictures to, to juxtapose how society fetishizes thinness, while I'm struggling on the inside.