Every once in a while I'm able to stop. and breathe. and feel peace. Going outside after the last strands of sunlight have faded, turning the sky dusky. A grey cloud arching across the sky, with lighter grey rings around it. Even if it's not a silver lining, it'll do for now.

And if I stop--for a moment--and truly live in that moment...I am okay. Not thinking about what happened, not worried about how broke I am, not thinking about how I need want to lose weight. Just being.

It doesn't happen as often as I would like.

I've been connecting with people a bit more lately, which is relieving. I am revitalized by the love of those who care for me, and those that I care for deeply. It makes me feel like everything's okay, that I am okay, that I can get through this and be a regular human being again, instead of a Human Being That This Happened To.

On the 4th, my neighbors had this huge party. They are a couple around my parents' age. As I was talking to the man, I kept feeling this sick feeling. His face looked exactly like Rich's face, if Rich was 15-20 years older than he is, and his face wasn't so round. Same small, fucked up teeth, squat nose, beedy eyes and weak chin. I had to keep reminding myself this is not him, this is not him, this is your neighbor, he is a nice guy, this is not him. It was disconcerting, but so...irrelevant? I mean...silly. Stupid. It's one of those things where I have to force myself to stop and ask myself how much am I making this event and this person who did this to me the center of my life? At one point in time, it deserved to be the center. It was the epicenter. But it's not anymore, and I keep telling my brain that. But just because it's not the epicenter anymore doesn't mean that I'm not still feeling the aftershocks. Sometimes they're smaller and smaller...and then sometimes there's another miniature earthquake, like when I saw him 2 weeks ago. It wasn't The Big Earthquake, but a quake, nonetheless.

Quake. Quack. Quack, quack. Lame Duck. Onward, ho!