Saturday, July 4, 2009

I remember you proudly proclaiming that you were a narcissist.

"Men afflicted with Narcissistic Personality Disorders expect to be admired by women and coveted by other men. Expectations of admiration may include physical affection and sexual activity. Rejections of amorous advances are viewed as unacceptable and incongruent with the individual's ego. Rejection may result in anger, degrading insults, and nonconsensual sexual contact. In serious situations, the victim may be raped. The disordered person believes that he is entitled to the sexual contact and, when not consensually provided, may force it." -Duane L. Dobbert, "Halting the Sexual Predator Among Us: Preventing Attack, Rape, and Lust Homicide"

36% of sexual offenders meet the criteria of having NPD. I remember you always joking about how you wanted to make a t-shirt that said "I'm an arrogant, self-loathing narcissist." Too funny, eh? I knew it to be true, even then. I just didn't know that it would manifest in this ultimate crime against me. I knew you couldn't accept the fact that I had no romantic inclinations toward you, but once I made it evident that you hadn't a snowball's chance in hell of being with me, you became so vindictive. Passive-aggressive, cold, resentful.

"Their grandiose sense of self-importance, their conviction that they are in the right, and their unwillingness to respect the needs of others may explain why they have an increased risk of committing sexual offences which might be understood as vindictive rage in response to personal insults and as an almost obsessive desire to make sexual conquests without recognizing and respecting the feelings and needs of potential partners." - Dudeck, M., Spitzer, C., Stopsack, M., Freyberger, H., & Barnow, S. (2007, December). Forensic inpatient male sexual offenders: The impact of personality disorder and childhood sexual abuse. Journal of Forensic Psychiatry & Psychology, 18(4), 494-506.

Personal insult. It is truly fucked up that someone, your best friend, diplomatically indicating that she had no feelings for you would be taken as such a great offense that you felt that you had to get back at her--at me--by overpowering me.

I did nothing to you. Nothing deserving this. You truly are a fucked up man, and I hope you get the help you need. It's just too bad that this help will come too late to have saved me from the trauma you inflicted upon me.

I understand this all...abstractly. Logically, from a psychological perspective. Yet somehow, this understanding doesn't take any of the pain away. And sadly, I doubt that the despicable act that you committed did much to relieve your feelings of worthlessness, did it?

"A person who commits rape has performed inappropriate sexual conduct in less serious behaviors before the rape." -Dobbert

Less serious behaviours. Like unexpectedly groping me on a dancefloor as your girlfriend was passed out drunk on a couch in the club. Like barging in on me changing in my bedroom, with the feeble excuse that you were wanting to show me your new jeans. I should've known this would happen, why did I not see the signs?

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