Pregnant and Bipolar

I'm pregnant. 13 weeks, 5 days. Only 26 weeks, 2 days to go.

I would not wish being bipolar and pregnant on anyone. Which is not to say I would try to dissuade anyone who is bipolar from becoming pregnant, as I ultimately do view this child as a gift. I knew I was bipolar, and I knew it would complicate my pregnancy, but I just had no idea just how much.

I've made the decision to stay on my meds (I know, boo! hiss! such a bad mother! etc.). Which would be fine and dandy, except pregnancy messes with the body (other than, you know, that whole growing belly thing), so we're playing hell trying to get my lithium levels in the therapeutic range. And it looks like that'll be the case the duration of the pregnancy. Which kind of makes me feel like, What's the point then? Why put my baby at risk if we might not even be able to get the meds at the right working levels, anyway? But still, I can't give up. This time of year is just too hard on me. This pregnancy is just too hard on me.

But still, I persevere. I'm told that I'm a fighter, that I'm strong. I know it to be true intellectually, maybe one day I'll know it to be true in my heart.